Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Carly and I were talking about Deep Thoughts the other day so I thought I would post a few good ones.

DEEP THOUGHTS
by Jack Handy

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having
sex.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort
of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and
that's why so is mankind.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I
bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was
reading a magazine.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.